The Artist's Way - Week 4
Week 4 of the 12-week course to build creativity
Last week, I wrote about Week 3 of Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way course to build creativity. If you purchased the book and are following along, I hope this past week was fruitful. To the rest of you, I invite you to join in and comment how the course is helping (or hindering) you in your lives!
The work of Week 3 saw us reclaiming our agency and growing our developing artist. I portrayed the process as taking back the control we give to others and trusting the Universe to help nurture our blossoming sense of identity.
However, as we begin to trust ourselves and our power over our lives, we must face the beliefs we choose not to share with the rest of the world. We must take responsibility for how we differ from the rest of society.
Week 4 focuses on recovering our truth - living with integrity.
Week 3 recap
As is traditional, here is the status update for Week 3.
I missed a day of Morning Pages. Last Saturday, I worked on several projects and had two long meetings. At 1:30 AM (technically Sunday), I realized I had forgotten to write - Whoopsie Daisies!
Cameron asserts in this week’s chapter that we usually stop writing Morning Pages when we feel poorly - I concur (and wrote as much last week). But last Saturday, I was feeling great. I had few thoughts competing in my head. As a result, it was a complete surprise when I remembered I hadn’t written.
Another complete surprise is that I did not feel any guilt for having forgotten. This oversight would typically have eaten me up. On Sunday, I simply picked back up and moved forward. I consider that significant progress at building self-worth.
I made a mistake. I acknowledged it. I saw there was nothing to be done about it. I continued forward.
When I went to my Artist’s Date, I had no qualms about it. I had something to discuss with my wife, but I decided I would do so afterward. Caring for myself is getting easier - again, a significant step forward in valuing myself.
Secret vs. official feelings
Week 3 of The Artist’s Way course is titled “Recovering a Sense of Integrity.” As artists, believing our truth and remaining consistent with it is the path to higher art. Unfortunately, Cameron writes most of us have two sets of beliefs - our secret, true beliefs and our public, official beliefs.
This dovetails neatly with the theory I named The Reflection - the distress caused by a mismatch between the person we know we are versus the person we portray to society - the internal versus the external. I believe much of human pain is founded in this phenomenon - certainly the transgender experience, which is a particularly obvious manifestation.
But fully understanding the mismatch between inner and outer requires us to know the person we are. When we do not introspect deeply and frequently, we may not have an adequate mental image of our identity.
To address our blind spots, Cameron prescribes Morning Pages.
When I first wrote about The Artist’s Way, I noted the arbitrariness of three pages per day. Cameron emphasizes we don’t need to write great literature or profound philosophy for three pages, but we do need to write three pages.
At first I rebelled against this arbitrary number. Now I understand the point: after you write everything you think you have to say, you still have to fill the remaining pages with something. Filling that gap forces deeper thoughts and feelings to surface.
Suddenly, the secret, true beliefs we may never have allowed ourselves to admit become obvious. Morning Pages are the method by which we realign our internal guide - our compass - with the mess we may have made in our public life.
Emotional damage and the body
While the mismatch between inner knowledge and outer portrayal is distressing, the process of realignment can feel worse. Any transgender person who has attempted gender transition knows this cold.
Some days are wonderful! The euphoria bursts in pinwheels around us as we feel our authenticity in the moment.
Some days suck to suck. The dysphoria steamrolls us as we realize what impostors we are now and always will be.
The stress - despite being emotional - leads to physical sickness. Cameron notes that Morning Pages are frequently abandoned when we feel unhappy. Because Morning Pages force a realignment that might make us unhappy, they become the tool that discontinues their use.
I guess now I understand why I ditch meditation and journaling when I’m working so hard: I feel terrible from working so hard, and if I stopped to heal, I might realize it.
Instead, I endure migraine headaches. I endure mild psychotic and fugue state episodes. The ironic result is positive - by my body and mind failing completely, I am forced to rest. But I cannot truly heal without acknowledging the reason I did the damage in the first place.
Clearing out the old
When we finally realize who we are is not who we portray in society, we work to address it. Cameron writes many people begin to clean out closets (she means the ones in your home), discarding those aspects of existence that no longer serve us.
If Morning Pages prove to be an insufficient existential emetic, Cameron recommends going one step further. She recommends Reading Deprivation: not reading anything - books, magazines, social media - for a prolonged duration.
I admit - Reading Deprivation sounds terrifying. I love to read. I live to read. My primary form of recreation is reading (when I am not working myself to death, lying in bed with a migraine, or suffering from psychotic episodes).
Reading Deprivation implies sitting by yourself and…allowing your thoughts to flow. Most people have difficulty meditating because they cannot distract themselves enough to sit quietly (see this article by my friend Miriam Rachel for more information). Imagine doing that for an entire week!
I don’t know yet if I’ll try Reading Deprivation. As a writer, I need to read at least my own work. I am still struggling with this idea.
So what's next?
I typically have little trouble with integrity. And Morning Pages - although they may cause uncomfortable introspection for some - typically remind me how glad I am to introspect. That said, I believe healthy self-examination can quickly turn into pathological introspection.
Nonetheless, I’m back on Morning Pages. I scheduled my Artist Date and am looking forward to it. Don’t mess with success.
I will, however, maintain my integrity. My self-worth fails frequently. Although I can sense the change and feel myself responding differently to praise, I still struggle.
I will allow those secret thoughts to flow. Although I believe I know my internal self well, there is always room to improve.
This week, I will listen to my internal wisdom.
Until next week!