Tripping Over Our Own Success
Week 10 of the Artist’s Way course for recovering and building creativity
Last week, I wrote about Week 9 of Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way course to build creativity. If you purchased the book and are following along, I hope this past week was fruitful. To the rest of you, I invite you to join in and comment how the course is helping (or hindering) you in your lives!
In Week 9, we learned never to give up, never to cave to the excuses each of us tells ourselves to keep us from having to engage in being creative. In my story, I have not struggled with being persistent. But I have struggled with believing I deserve to be creative.
Week 10 addresses further reasons we choose not to be persistent. The excuses we tell ourselves are typically fantastic - today is the cat’s birthday, the curtains are long overdue for a vacuum, sunspots give us migraines. But more insidious than those excuses are plausible reasons not to be creative - it’s Friday after a long week, today is our child’s birthday, the boss needs just one more TPS report.
Week 10 considers how we protect our creativity from our own best intentions.
Week 9 recap
Week 9 went well. I wrote my Morning Pages - all except one day. I woke up to a long schedule of meetings and errands that day and decided to forgo Morning Pages. It was a small decision, and I did not regret it at the time. I felt I deserved it after being so regular for so long.
I was surprised to find the next morning that I wanted to ditch Morning Pages again. It was seductive…I even thought in the back of my head that maybe Morning Pages didn’t do that much. They weren’t that powerful. It was then I forced myself to sit and write.
I was wrong. Writing that day reminded me how much better I am when I write. I tend to stop the practices that do me the most good (precisely what Week 10 is about), and I was fortunate to end that thought quickly.
The Artist Date last week was - again - unremarkable. I took a book to the coffee shop and felt great doing it. The time and date is now inviolable. I made a recurring meeting on my calendar to ensure I always go on my Artist Date. About the worst I can say about this Artist Date is that I got rained on as I rode my electric scooter home.
Using protection even with yourself
Week 10 of The Artist’s Way course is titled “Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection.” I admit, this chapter triggered my struggles with gender transition, and I intend to interleave my transgender experience with the material Cameron presents.
One characteristic common among transgender people is the belief we must suppress who we are. We do not want to move forward being our true selves - doing so may be dangerous, as society has trained us to believe over the course of our lives.
As a result, we find excuses not to do what it takes to get where we want to be. We do not make doctor’s appointments; we do not file paperwork; we do not explore how we want to present with clothes, makeup, hair, shoes; we do not practice subtle aspects of gender, such as voice, gait, carriage, mannerisms.
Self-protection, as Cameron writes it, implies recognizing the blocks we put on our creative (or transgender) endeavors and protecting our path forward - protecting ourselves…from ourselves.
Blocking the process
A creative block is any thought, item, or activity that holds the power to stop us from doing creative work. In the moment we use them, we do not admit they block creativity. They are simply other, more important aspects of life.
A block can take any form - typical blocks are food, alcohol, romance, even work. Each block in context is a vital part of existence, an experience to savor and enjoy. When abused, however, blocks stop us from achieving what we want to achieve. But that is their purpose - we prevent ourselves from being creative.
Being creative is joyful. Creative work shows us our soul condensed into art. But being creative also demonstrates we could be happy, which frightens us with its threat to our status quo.
Before I began gender transition, I discovered many ways not to be transgender. Some were more destructive than others, but all kept me from taking the one step that conquers any block - beginning the work, taking the first step.
Cameron recommends we learn to recognize our blocks and when we use them. Perhaps we find a friend to walk the path with us, although her advice regarding being creative for others rings startlingly true in the transgender experience:
Bear in mind, however, that this is your problem. No one can police you into recovery.
Keeping the river flowing
A block manifests through our behavior, whether conscious or otherwise. At times, however, we will experience what Cameron names droughts, the temporary cessation of creative energy.
Everything in life is cyclic. Day to night, Dark Moon to Full Moon, Summer Solstice to Winter Solstice. There are economic cycles and industry cycles. There are also cycles in what we create and when we create it.
Droughts hurt. But every cycle turns eventually to the light. The best way to end a drought is to be creative. Cameron suggests doubling down on Morning Pages - the window into our intuition.
This advice rings just as true in the transgender experience. Hormone therapy is slow. Finding a look is slow. Learning how we communicate as our preferred gender is very slow. Sometimes we are overcome by the sluggishness of transition.
But these periods of dark allow us to nurture the person taking shape inside. When birth finally occurs, we look back to these periods of darkness as moments of profound growth.
Fame and competition
Upon birth of a creative project (or a transgender identity), others will notice. They may approve or disapprove of the birth, but either response indicates a level of fame.
Fame is very difficult to process. Cameron notes fame is addictive and causes us to focus on recognition as opposed to doing great work. Focusing on fame leads to its close sibling, competition.
When we work - or block - in order to feed jealousy, we sabotage our progress. We choose a short-term gain over long-term growth.
But we cannot waste time and effort worrying about who is ahead of us in any process. We cannot consider whether those ahead of us deserve the recognition they received. Justice is not part of popular opinion.
When I first began transition, I gazed longingly at videos of women I wished I could be: Marilyn Monroe, Christina Hendricks, Jennifer Coolidge. I wanted to be pretty, but more importantly, I wanted others to tell me I was pretty.
I turned out like none of them. My jealousy, unfortunately, caused me to miss out on valuable time I could have spent developing my own style.
When I caught up with my jealousy, I focused on lowering my upper lip when I smiled, as Marilyn Monroe learned. I tried clothes that would accentuate my rapidly growing posterior and enhance an hourglass shape, like Christina Hendricks. I worked on adding a breathy, halting quality to my voice, like Jennifer Coolidge (which flies completely out the window when I get excited - because try as I might, I am not Jennifer Coolidge).
When we focus on competition for fame, the result is always to destroy work with the potential to be great, but requires nurturing. The cure is to get back to creative work.
As Cameron sums it succinctly, not all babies are born beautiful - including baby transgender women.
So what's next?
Once again - Morning Pages every day. My one transgression solidified the value in my mind yet again. My Artist Date is on the calendar; my coffee order is already chosen; my book is downloaded to my Kindle.
Recently, I received some recognition, which I allowed to block me from completing this article. I regret that now, because recognition is fleeting, while my self-worth endures. This week, I will worry about the quality of my work, not the people who notice it.
This week, I commit to art for art’s sake - to take pleasure in my creativity and to let it flow.
Until next week!